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By Jennifer Kim Via the web or actual human interactions, somehow you’ve landed a date.
Depending on the circumstances – Internet first date, second-look
second date, parental interference aka matchmaking, or married couple’s
night on the town – you’ll have to stage accordingly. And as they say
in real estate, it’s all about the location.
“First date locations can make or break the encounter,” says Alyson Mischel, LCSW, a psychotherapist and life coach in private practice in Los Angeles. “(They’re) important because it can give you insight into the person’s level of interest.” The corner Starbucks may seem an uninspired choice while an expensive restaurant could set up uneasy expectations for both sides, she says. “It’s a delicate balance … you want to show enough interest and planning to result in a hip and fun first location, but not so much that you appear desperate.” THE FIRST VIRTUAL TO REALITY DATE With the proliferation of online dating, most everyone has had this first encounter. Common sense and all dating experts say to meet in a public place. “Preferably one with a buzz. A wine bar, a popular coffeehouse — something hip and lively,” Mischel says.Have an escape plan and a scenic route ready, adds Py Kim Conant, a Los Angeles-based sexpert and author. “Meet at a self-service coffee shop near a beach or a park. If you judge after a 45-minute chat that there is either no or very little potential, just end the date there,” she recommends. “However, if you find the person a possibility, you can walk along the beach or park to talk more. If you do end up by yourself, walk to the beach and think about what you really want in a relationship.” “Be active,” recommends Jane Fendelman, a Phoenix-based couples counselor and author. “Couples have a tendency to get tense if they are sitting across the table from one another and staring each other down. Shared experiences do cause bonding.” Like Conant she recommends walking and talking and keeping it short, 30-45 minutes. Amy (not her real name because she didn't want to upset her current boyfriend) and an online prospect once visited the Self Realization Fellowship Temple on the crest of Mount Washington in Los Angeles. “It is very pretty and is nice to walk around and chat with your date. (Visit http://www.yogananda-srf.org/temples/index.html for a temple near you.) The Getty Museum is also a good place and so is the Museum of Jurassic Technology (both in Los Angeles). In Seattle, Greenlake is a great place and you can rent pedal boats.”
For more ideas, consult an online city guide — they’re not just for tourists and often teem with good ideas that are updated frequently. Citysearch.com features roundups such as “Romantic Dates,” “Plan the Best Date Ever,” and “Best Spots to Kiss.”
New York Citysearch editors Keith Wagstaff and Katie Heffernan suggest Verlaine , a French-Vietnamese lounge on the Lower East Side, for a first date. “Verlaine is laid-back yet sexy, with plenty of interesting people and artwork for conversation fodder.” In Boston, Citysearch recommends The Elephant Walk , “a fun and affordable restaurant with a unique French-Cambodian menu which is good for sharing.”
In Arizona, our own editors pick Stingray Sushi. The hip ambiance and “buzz of the crowd” will keep the date fun and interesting even if the chemistry isn’t there. And the eclectic menu, complete with Latin influences and artful sushi, is a great conversation piece. If you do hit it off, follow dinner with a stroll through old town Scottsdale, which is right outside, for more intimate conversation sans the sounds of the crowd.
The Second Date
“Your second date can be more daring,” says Fendelman, who’s been counseling couples for 13 years. “It tells a lot about a person when they choose what the date will be. If you're with a man who invites you to the shelter to feed the homeless, you know you've got someone with a giving heart.” Los Angeles has started the trend of Internet volunteer dating. In fact, Laworks.com is a site where users can pick a volunteer activity like it’s a movie for a Saturday night and then show up within hours.
“However, you don't want to be busy, busy all the time,” cautions Fendelman, “then there's no heart and soul connection.”
Kathy, 25, a designer, had a recent memorable outing at a roller rink. “Complete with the old-school roller skates, round seats and glow-in-the-dark lights. It was definitely unusual being the only two people there over age 13! But it was silly and fun.”
“Pick some place not too expensive but with an entertaining atmosphere,” advises Tara de Lis, Los Angeles Citysearch editor. She likes the Palms Thai restaurant in Los Angeles’ Thai Town. “Go on Mondays, throw in a performing Thai Elvis named Kevin and watch the relationship grow.” Other Citysearch second date picks: Decibel in NYC, “a hidden underground sake bar,” Fugakyu restaurant in Boston, “serious sushi in stylish environs,” and M Restaurant & Bar in Columbus, Ohio, “a posh Asian and French fusion restaurant.”
Amy, 32, who’s a graduate student at the University of Washington, recalls one of her most memorable dates was at Malibu beach late at night. “It was during a time when there was lots of phosphorescence in the water and sand. It looked like little lights were in the sand when you ran your hands through it. We spent the night running around like kids on the empty beach, throwing seaweed and making sand angels as well as sand pancakes.”
Match Making
An entirely different animal is the matchmaking date your parents have sent you off on. “When a first date is a set up, there is hopefully the expectation that your date won't have two heads,” Mischel says. “So, expect to do a little more sharing and to spend more time together. An activity is always great for these types of dates, and for second dates, too. Wine tasting, bowling, or hearing live music will help you discover if your likes and dislikes are in line. And they can bond you and provide a reason to see each other again. For example, ‘One of my favorite bands is playing this weekend, what to check it out?’”
De Lis says, “A nice place is in order, not too expensive or romantic but definitely a step up from first and second date-type places.” She recommends Luna Park in Los Angeles where there are “nice little nibbles to share like fondue or s’mores, and a few large booths for privacy.” In NYC, Citysearch editors say that the KGB bar is the “supreme date test space. This cozy literary bar demands intimate conversation.”
On the contrary, Conant says to just take a walk or have a quick lunch. “It really doesn’t depend on where. Your parents don't know what you really want in your relationship and usually a date set up by parents doesn't work at all. So don't get your hopes up here.”
Couple’s Date
If you’ve made it through all these locales and you’ve become a real couple, this is where things should get steamy, says Conant, who has a newly released book, Sex Secrets of an American Geisha. “To spike sexual intimacy that usually married couples have a lack of, you should go to a cocktail bar at a five star hotel. You’ll build up physical intimacy over the drinks. No dinner or just light dinner there, but stay overnight at the same hotel you had drinks.” In the same vein, Mischel suggests having a masseuse come to your home and later eating a decadent fondue for dessert.
Fendelman likes the ocean and the dance floor. “My other favorite activity (in addition to dancing) for couples is scuba diving. It bonds the couple because you must trust your dive partner to help keep you alive in case of emergency.”
So wherever you go, these are you. From cafes with quick exit plans to the underwater rendezvous, the evolution of dating locales is simple. Choose well.
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