East West - The Asian American Lifestyle Magazine

When you make more than your man

By Sonia Boonchanasukit

In Hollywood, it is not uncommon to see a woman earn more than her partner. From Oprah Winfrey, with an income of $225 million, and long-time beau Steadman Graham to Julia Roberts, who commands $20 million per film while married to a camerman, there are many high-profile women who make more than their mates and seem to have good relationships. But perhaps it is just another Hollywood illusion because research suggests that many non-Hollywood couples continue to adhere to the notion that the man must earn more. And when it comes to Asian American relationships, a woman who out-earns her man may find herself fighting long-held cultural beliefs about gender and equality.

"Men tend to still think of themselves through cultural identities," says Veronica Tichenor, author of "Earning More and Getting Less: Why Successful Wives Can't Buy Equality." Tichenor believes that every man tries to conform to the "breadwinner" identity and consequently tends to expect women to conform to a "homemaker" role

But there are many women who, Tichenor says, "swim against the tide" by out-earning their spouses. Financial columnist Bruce Bartlett reported that the percentage of women working in high-paying executive positions increased from 9.2 percent in 1983 to 15.5 percent in 2000, while those working in low-paying clerical positions fell from 30.2 percent to 22.6 percent. Additionally, Bartlett found that higher-earning, younger women are replacing lower-earning, older women in the workplace. Even though a woman may be viewed as an equal at work, at home things can be quite different. "We reproduce what we are most familiar with and that is the traditional gender roles in a relationship," Tichenor explains

Sonia Khemani, a 33-year-old lawyer in Toronto was in a marriage in which she was the sole income earner. She says the challenge of being a woman in the professional world plus the fight to maintain her integrity in her personal relationship was exhausting. "I felt guilty about the financial and professional gains that I was making and I surrendered all financial control to my partner in an attempt to demonstrate my support of his choices and in an effort to equalize what he believed was a power imbalance," Khemani says. "Overall it wasn't a good experience. It affected my emotional and physical well-being."

Manisha Lalla, 26, was in a relationship with a man who was making $25,000 less than she was. "He used to indirectly complain about how he and his family didn't have that much money and how he was trying to save up for his parents, so naturally I felt guilty and obligated to pay for everything," she says. Lalla believes her boyfriend felt inferior about having a lower salary and tried to compensate by being controlling. She says that he was "trying to prove he was the man in the relationship."

"With women moving to higher education and in the workforce, you would think we would be less worried about who works or earns more," Tichenor says. But unfortunately, that is not the case. Many men think that money equals power so that if they earn more, they have more power in the relationship. Ideally, a relationship should be able to run smoothly whether or not the woman earns more than the man, but the concept of having no power or even sharing the power in a marriage is still alien to many traditional men.

Eastern couples tend to take on traditional roles and responsibilities even more so than their western counterparts. So it can be tricky for an Asian American wife who out-earns her Asian American husband.

"I was expected to unconditionally support and nurture my partner, both professional and personally, if necessary at the cost of my own well-being."

"There is absolutely another complexity when you and your partner are both South Asian," Khemani says. Asian women are still pressured to be subordinate to the man in their relationship, she says. "I was expected to unconditionally support and nurture my partner, both professional and personally, if necessary at the cost of my own well-being," she says.

Khemani says her husband and both of their families failed to recognize that she was a practicing full-time lawyer who also needed support, encouragement and nurturing. "All the energy was focused on ensuring that he (her husband) felt secure and OK with himself and his decisions," she says.

As Khemani's story illustrates, it is not just men who hold onto traditional notions of a marriage or old-fashioned gender roles. Many women, who support their families financially, feel negative about doing so. Tichenor found that some women feel bad about being the primary breadwinner because their work keeps them away from home, where they feel they belong.

This may be because of the perception that women are better at raising children. Tichenor, however, says the so-called "maternal skills" can be taught and learned by anybody. A father can be just as good as taking care of his kids as a mother, yet both eastern and western societies propagate the idea that women are the better caretakers of children.

quot;If we are going to cling to these gender roles we have to accept that they have unequal power relations imbedded in them," Tichenor says. Until both men and women learn to view themselves and their mates as equal partners in their relationship, it does not matter who earns more because, ultimately, both parties lose out.

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