East West - The Asian American Lifestyle Magazine

By Shakila Hashem

In Bollywood, a new pattern is emerging. Filmmakers are taking a close, unapologetic look at what it really means to be in a relationship once the obstacles (read: parents) are out of the way. And a generation of South Asians is discovering that relationships, even the ones that aren’t arranged, are really, really hard work.

Bollywood films have historically been based upon a star-crossed lovers formula that has at its center a sacred, idealized relationship. The last frame sees the madly-in-love couple united presumably to live happily ever after. Very few films have explored what happens after that last frame. Divorce and betrayal were taboo subjects and if a film dared to delve into these topics, it was labeled as “parallel” cinema (Masoom, Arth) or rejected at the box office (Silsila).

“For a long time, the social norm or expectation from young adults has been that they get married and settle down,” says Pooja Kohli, film festival director of the Indo-American Arts Council in New York. “There were no ifs and buts once the couple was married. For decades it was assumed that all is good once you get married. Recently though, the young generation has started to question that assumption.”

A new breed of young filmmakers has produced a number of films in recent years that eagerly dissect the traditional Bollywood love story. The debate isn’t about arranged marriage—it’s about marriage, period. This year alone we’ve seen films such as Honeymoon Travels Pvt. Limited and Just Married following on the trail of last year’s big diwali release, Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna (KANK). In all of these films, the protagonists are already married. In all of these films, marriage is the issue at hand.

“Marriage is no longer seen as the ultimate aim in life by many urban youngsters, and these movies reflect that,” says Meenu Gaur, a 20-something software program engineer based in New Jersey.

The young generation - filmmakers and their audiences alike - has been influenced by a number of things that the previous generation wasn’t privy to. For one, a globalized media has brought “Friends” and “Sex and the City” to living rooms in the farthest corners of India.

“I think new directors and writers are catching up with the ‘relationshippy’ movies of Hollywood,” says Sujan Bin Wadud, 33, a chemical engineer and musician. “The idea of ‘incompatibilities despite niceties’ is in the popular psyche, whereas even up until the mid 80s, society hadn’t advanced enough to accept disposable relationships.”

Stylistically, a Bollywood film is liberally doused with glamour and fantasy, but the root issue of these new films seems to be striking a familiar chord with audiences.

“I’m not sure if movies are ever realistic, but I do believe that this recent trend of showing the trials and tribulations after marriage is more reflective of how two different individuals would interact,” says Afroz Khan, 37, a mother of one who works as a program manager in the field of energy efficiency.

Kohli also agrees that to an extent the films are a realistic portrayal, but “whether that reality is a rational trend is another question.”

In fact, Kohli raises a good point. In a society where marriage is regarded as sacred, the irreverent dissection and deconstruction of the institution in these films may ruffle a few dupattas. Are these films reflective of a rational trend, or do they prove detrimental to the fabric of our society?

For the most part, the fact that these issues are open for discussion is a huge push forward in South Asia’s relationship landscape. Bollywood once avoided the topic of divorce for fear of box office failure. It is certainly a sign of change in the collective consciousness that films dealing with the controversial issue are finding acceptance via ticket sales.

Komal Shah-Kapoor, who holds a doctorate in communications and studies the South Asian diaspora in the United States, feels that “the popular mainstream media is largely responsible in making social taboos such as divorce more acceptable. If issues are sensitively handled, films can be an excellent medium to communicate real issues to people.”

Saathiya and Chalte Chalte were perhaps the first two films that began this trend of deconstructing the marriage relationship. Both take a look at misunderstandings that arise between newly married couples, leaving them with no option but to consider separation and divorce.

Khan, who now lives in Newburyport, Mass., relates her experience watching Chalte Chalte. “I saw that movie after I got married and moved across the country to live with my husband. It was encouraging to see another South Asian couple have trials in their relationship. There were so many moments I was ready to walk out on my husband! Chalte Chalte definitely made me turn to my spouse, who I forced to watch this with me, and say ‘Hey, if they’re starting to make movies about it, maybe we’re not the only ones and it’s normal.’”

Navin Lalwani, who is single and based in Taipei, Taiwan, appreciated the efforts made with Salaam Namaste—a film that takes a bold and unorthodox look at the idea of living together before marriage, thereby avoiding the possibility of divorce in the future. 

“The concept of living together before marriage is still very new to our culture,” he says. “But in my opinion, only by living together with someone for a period of time can you really get to know that person extremely well. With the amount of divorce cases today, I feel that one needs to understand and know his or her partner extremely well before committing to that person for life.”

Divorce then, is the issue at hand—how to deal with it, how to avoid it, how to accept it. And we aren’t talking about divorce in cases of abuse, but rather divorce based on incompatibilities that may seem, at least to older generations, pretty minor.

“We are a generation that has had it fairly easy,” Khan admits. In the absence of facing basic survival issues such as those older generations may have faced during a time when the luxury of considering whether their partners were their soul mates was ludicrous, we as a generation are collectively experiencing an existential angst that creeps into our perceptions of what constitutes the perfect relationship.

Kohli reflects that, “In a country where arranged marriage has been a norm, there is now a fantasy that the right man exists for every woman and therefore leads them away from the reality. Movies have in the last few years, raised expectations, lowered values and made people believe in fantasies.”

One of the biggest and most controversial films of 2006 was Karan Johar’s KANK. This is an interesting lens through which to view the issue of reel relationships vs. real relationships because Johar’s films are always unabashedly commercial, made on a huge canvas and intended for the largest audience possible. The difference this time is that he chose to paint with the colors of divorce and betrayal on a canvas that viewers have come to associate with family values and fairy tale romances.

Shaila Zaman, 30, a public health administrator, raises a good point in asking, “Why is it that we can accept reality in critically acclaimed movies but not in a commercial film?” Perhaps it’s because a commercial film sets out, from the very start, to reach a wide audience that includes the literate and illiterate, the progressive and regressive alike.

*Oz, author of the book “The MBA Gang” and creator of the Indian independent film Web site Passionforcinema.com, says: “Let’s say KANK increases the divorce rate in India. Fine. KANK is to blame. But the next question would be if it did increase the divorce rate then did it have a negative impact on the marriages it broke or did it actually liberate the couples from being stuck in mindless, dispassionate relationships?”

A relevant question indeed.

 “Today I see the number of broken relationships, broken engagements and even broken marriages just among my Indian friends, and it is quite shocking,” laments Lalwani. “But why should one have to suffer in silence in a relationship that has become totally meaningless to him or her?”

There are others who feel that movies like KANK may be turning divorce into a cop-out choice for those not willing to work on their marriages. “If a relationship does not have much substance to begin with, cinema can lead to quicker, faster actions for ending ties,” Kohli argues. “Unfortunately, it has made divorce more of a fashion statement for a group of individuals and thus made it very easy to go in and out of relationships. Some are unfortunately following blindly in the steps created by fragile celluloid.”

Whether one agrees with the portrayal of marriage and divorce in KANK, the fact that the issues have been discussed on such a huge canvas denotes a transformation in filmmakers and audiences alike. Art is a reflection of the culture from which it emerges and it may be fair to say that a culture evolves based on its art. As far as these films are concerned, is art imitating life or is life imitating art?

“Society is not one uniform continuum,” Bin Wadud, a resident of Albany, N.Y., notes. “For the upper echelons, art is imitating life, whereas for the lower echelons, life could very well be imitating art. Some people relate as ‘been-there-done-that’ and others ‘wanna-be-doing-that.’”

“Art and life have a mutual influence, and no doubt, films are a mirror of society,” says Shah-Kapoor. “Filmmakers need to be cognizant of their social responsibility, however so that their films not only depict the anticipated dream world but also realities as they exist.”

The recent crop of films has opened up the dialogue on marriage and divorce to a great degree for many South Asians. But there are still those who feel that Indian cinema has a long way to go before it really gets down and dirty with the uncomfortable truths about relationships.

As Oz, who lives in Orange County, Calif., says, “Perhaps someday someone in Bollywood will have the guts to make something like ‘The Sex Addict’ or The Pick Up Artist. That would realistically portray my relationship issues. Of course ‘The End’ would have to be replaced by ‘Just Kidding.’”

Until then, we can safely rely on Bollywood to extract happy endings even from the darkest trials and tribulations of love, marriage and divorce.

*editor’s note: Web name used upon source’s request.

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