East West - The Asian American Lifestyle Magazine

Interfaith marriages are growing increasingly common, but religious, cultural and familial challenges still come into play when planning a wedding ceremony. 

By Joy Hepp
Originally published: September 2005

Michael and Maryam* have had three wedding ceremonies. The first was in the Central Mosque in Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan. Because Michael is an American citizen and Maryam from Turkmenistan, the ceremony was only a symbolic one, reflecting Maryam’s Muslim beliefs. The second ceremony, held with the purpose of receiving a Michigan marriage license, took place at a local tavern and was attended only by Michael’s neighbor/lawyer friend from down the street who is a court commissioner and Michael’s sometimes handyman/mechanic/carpenter “preacher John.” John was on hand to “read some stuff from Proverbs 30.”

The third wedding, a backyard gathering of friends and family with belly dancers and a bluegrass band, was the couple’s favorite. Maryam wore a red Turkmen dress (white dresses are traditionally used for funerals) and Michael wore a Turkmen costume with a traditional skullcap to cover his bald spot. The ceremony was modeled after the Turkmen "toy" (wedding party), complete with "plov" (rice pilaf with carrots, nuts, lamb) and manti (steamed dumpling wontons).

With America’s ever-changing cultural landscape, the number of couples like Michael and Maryam is on the rise. According to the American Religious Identification Survey  conducted by the City University of New York in 2001, “almost one-quarter — 22 percent — of couples surveyed live in mixed-religion households, for a total of 28 million couples. For Protestants, the mixed-religion rate was 33 percent; for Jews, 27 percent; for Catholics, 23 percent; for Muslims, 21 percent.”

What the numbers don’t convey is that although interfaith marriages are growing increasingly common, religious, cultural and familial challenges still come into play when planning a wedding ceremony for such a union. While religions such as Catholicism, Buddhism and Judaism continue to develop reform outlooks on marriage, their orthodox and fundamentalism counterparts still strictly forbid interfaith unions.

Many times, however, the obstacles for an interfaith-couple come from the families themselves.  Immigrant families face their own set of fears.

Manjit Kaur, a wedding photographer based out of upstate New York, has taken photos at several interfaith weddings and says “usually Indians are afraid that whatever cultural values they have are going to be gone for the kids,” she explains. “With each generation, whatever culture you come over with deteriorates, so they’re worried about grandkids.”

For Michael and Maryam, it was not only family but also country that posed a challenge.  Maryam’s country forbids marrying foreigners without a $50,000 payment to the government along with a “kalim” or dowry to the bride’s family. In addition, Michael’s Christian family wasn’t very open to the idea of their son marrying a Muslim. For the couple, having three ceremonies was the best way to address their situation and keep all parties happy.

Fortunately, many interfaith couples do not have to deal with oppressive government regimes and are able skip the two of the episodes of Michael and Maryam’s wedding trilogy. The “belly dance and bluegrass” ceremony is a good example of the type of hybrid ceremony that is becoming increasingly popular among interfaith couples.

 “I like to bring everybody’s richness to the table,” says Susana Weiss who, along with husband Allan Lokos, is co-principal minister at the Interfaith Spiritual Community in New York City. “I think we can all come together to enjoy and appreciate each others’ differences.”

Weiss and Lokos have been performing interfaith wedding ceremonies, where the couples have a hand in adding their own personal touch, for the past four years. They are part of a growing number of clergy willing to perform these weddings evidenced by Internet listings on sites such as www.TheKnot.com.

Weiss says she has included every thing from Chinese tea-pouring ceremonies to the Jewish tradition of breaking glass under the Chuppa. She even performed one ceremony in Hebrew Portuguese and in German to accommodate all of the families involved.

Despite such planning and consideration, not everyone can always be pleased. “The people who are happy for the couple are radiant,” Weiss says. “Unfortunately, not everyone shows that happiness.”

Michael says that many relatives chose not to attend the ceremony even though it was officiated by a retired Presbyterian minister. “Although my friends from Germany, Australia, and the U.S. coasts all bought tickets and took vacation to come, my sister, only 40 miles away and off work on Saturday, didn't show up,” he says.

“The minister provided a short ceremony with readings from Isaiah (from the Old Testament which was before the time of Christ),” Michael says.  “I'm sure it puzzled fundamentalist Christians at the ceremony who (likely squirmed when) there was not a lot of Jesus’ name stuff interjected.”

Father Mariano Tomaszewski, a Catholic priest from Lakewood California who also officiates interfaith ceremonies, agrees with Michael and Maryam’s decision to keep religious specifics out of the ceremony. He says that in order to make families comfortable it is important not to proselytize during the ceremony.

“The wedding ceremony is not a time for the officiant to convert the guests who are a captive audience anyway,” Tomaszewski says. “Such an attempt would only backfire and Catholicism or Christianity would become even less attractive to non-Christians.”

While having an interfaith ceremony is certainly a very important gesture for both parties, all will say it is only the beginning of a journey. “You cannot make the family welcome you or be happy just from the wedding ceremony,” Kaur says. “That takes a whole lifetime.”

*Editor’s note: Some names have been changed to protect privacy.

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